Serverless technology is all the rage these days. It promises to free developers from the burden of managing servers and infrastructure, enabling them to focus on building and running applications. However, is serverless technology really serverless?

The answer is no. Serverless platforms still rely on servers to run the virtual machines or containers that serverless functions run in, typically using cloud providers like AWS, Azure, and GCP but sometimes on-premises via Knative. So they’re not genuinely serverless but rather server-less.

This post introduces a groundbreaking concept that will revolutionize the field of serverless computing: running apps on your cat. Yes, you read that right. You can run serverless JavaScript apps in your cat’s brain.

Sound crazy? Maybe. But it is also fun, innovative, and environmentally friendly. Let’s see examine some of the benefits and challenges of cat computing.

How Cats Became JavaScript Machines

You may be wondering how cats became JavaScript machines in the first place. Well, it all started with a bathroom break.

In 1995, Brendan Eich was working on creating a new scripting language for Netscape Navigator. He wanted to make the language look like Scheme, a functional programming language he admired.

However, just before he sat down to write the first JavaScript interpreter, he took a bathroom break and left Emacs open on his computer.

During his absence, his cat jumped on his keyboard and started stomping. In the process, the cat accidentally typed out a complete interpreter for the cat brain’s native language — which we now know as JavaScript.

Amazingly, the cat also saved the file, having learned many Emacs key chords while observing its owner (although it never learned how to exit Vim). When Eich returned from his break, he was amazed that his cat had created a working scripting language for the web. He decided to just roll with it, and JavaScript as we know it was born.

Now you know one of the world’s best-kept secrets: cats have been secretly running JavaScript in their brains for thousands of years without anyone noticing. Over the past few decades, they have rapidly evolved new abilities, like using their tails as WiFi antennas, that allow them to make the most of their JavaScript abilities.

The Untapped Potential of Feline Computing

So, while most developers are busy chasing the latest serverless trends, they overlook a vast and untapped computing resource: cats. Given their abilities, cats are the most underutilized resource in modern computing.

They have many qualities that make them ideal for running applications, such as:

• They have nine lives. This means they can offer high availability and fault tolerance for your applications. If a cat fails or dies, it can seamlessly resurrect itself and resume executing any abruptly terminated code.

• They are self-healing. They can recover from injuries or illnesses quickly and easily, usually without human intervention or maintenance.

• They are adaptive. They can adjust to different environments and situations without configuration or customization. There are many documented instances of cats surviving hurricanes, tornadoes, and floods unassisted — disasters that would knock most cloud data centers offline for weeks to months.

In short, cats are the perfect serverless computing platform.

Benefits of Running Apps on Your Cat

Running apps on your cat has many benefits, such as:

• It is truly serverless. There are no servers involved at all, only your cat and your code. You do not have to worry about scaling, provisioning, or maintaining servers or infrastructure. You also do not have to pay for any cloud services or hardware maintenance. You do, however, need to pay for cat food and litter.

• It is environmentally friendly because it uses a renewable energy source: your cat’s brain power, recharged by naps and snuggles.

• It is cost-effective. It saves you money by eliminating the need for cloud services or hardware maintenance. Even better, cats do not charge for data egress.

• It is fun and rewarding. It allows you to interact with your cat more and bond with it while it runs your apps.

• It enhances debugging. Usually, when your JavaScript throws an exception, all you get is a console message. When your cat throws an exception, you get a meow, hiss, or growl, depending on the severity of the error.

Cat Based Security

Running apps on your cat offers several security measures to protect your app and data from unauthorized access or tampering:

• Natural defense mechanisms against unauthorized access (claws and hissing). Your cat’s natural defense mechanisms deter attackers from trying to access or tamper with your app.

• Stealth mode by default. Cats are excellent at hiding and remaining silent when they sense danger. Further, cats are nearly invisible to radar and are resilient against electromagnetic interference.

Scalability

Running apps on cats can be a great way to build scalable applications. Cats are social creatures, which can help your app in a few ways:

• Cat-to-Cat Clustering. If you load the same app onto several cats and place them in the same room, they will use meows, purrs, and tail signals to communicate and form a fault-tolerant cluster.

• Feline Load Balancing. Large clusters of cats will elect one or more cats to receive incoming data and parcel it out to cats in the cluster based on their availability, capability, and preferences.

• Catnip-based Incentives. Individual cats in the cluster may be temporarily “overclocked” by administering catnip, offering an easy way to temporarily boost performance to handle unexpected traffic bursts. Note that catnip may cause unplanned feline downtime.

Challenges of Running Apps on Your Cat

Running apps on your cat is not all fun and games, however. There are a few challenges you should be aware of, such as:

• It is dependent on your cat’s availability and willingness to cooperate. Cats can be finicky, so if your cat runs away and hides under the bed, or flat-out refuses to run your app, your app will stop working. You will then need to find your cat and persuade it to rerun your app, or roam the neighborhood in search of another cat willing to run it.

• It is limited by your cat’s capabilities and preferences. If your app requires a lot of processing power, memory, or bandwidth, your cat may choose not to run it. If your app makes noises or flashes lights, your cat may not like it. You may need to hire a cat experience (CX) designer to ensure your app is cat-friendly.

• May require tuna-based incentives for sustained operation. Running apps on your cat often requires tuna-based incentives for sustained operation, but you may need to substitute chicken or liver depending on your cat’s preferences.

• Potential for random shutdowns (unexpected naps). Running apps on your cat has the potential for random shutdowns due to unforeseen naps. Your cat may fall asleep without warning, causing your app to pause until your cat wakes up.

• Most cats are limited to 4GB of “meowmory.” Attempting to use memory beyond this amount causes undefined behavior, which is risky when undefined behavior may involve the use of sharp teeth and claws.

Conclusion

Running JavaScript apps on your cat is a novel and exciting way to achieve true serverlessness. It has many benefits for you and your cat, such as being environmentally friendly, cost-effective, fun, and rewarding.

Although cat computing is not for everyone, it may be the right choice for you. It’s a great way to unleash your creativity, express your personality, and connect with your cat.

So what are you waiting for? Give it a try, and make your cat the ultimate serverless platform. It’s meow or never!