Once upon a time in a bustling corporate jungle, there was an employee named Jack-ass. Jack-ass had mastered the art of staying employed by doing everything you should never do. His story is a masterclass in how to be the first on the layoff list.

First off, Jack-ass made himself as irreplaceable as a stapler with no staples. He stuck strictly to his job description and never, ever volunteered for extra projects. “Why bother with extra work?” he thought. So, while his colleagues were busy taking on challenging tasks and making themselves indispensable, Jack-ass enjoyed his peace and quiet, doing the bare minimum.

Jack-ass also had a unique approach to looking busy. He aimed to appear as busy as a sloth on a siesta. His calendar was always empty, and he took long, leisurely coffee breaks. While his boss saw the other employees hustling and bustling, Jack-ass was a pillar of calm, drifting from break to break, showing that stress was clearly overrated.

When it came to office politics, Jack-ass had it all figured out. He ignored them completely. Networking and building relationships were for chumps. He avoided office parties like the plague and never laughed at the boss’s jokes. Jack-ass prided himself on being independent, showing that he didn’t need to brown-nose to get ahead.

Gossip? Jack-ass was the office rumor mill. He made sure he was the first to know and spread every juicy tidbit he heard. He believed being in the loop was crucial, even if it meant damaging trust and relationships with his colleagues. His notoriety grew, making him famous for all the wrong reasons.

Jack-ass also kept his skills to himself. Sharing knowledge was for kindergartners, he thought. The more he hoarded his knowledge, the more irreplaceable he believed he was. He watched with smug satisfaction as his coworkers struggled, thinking their failures made him look better by comparison.

In meetings, Jack-ass was invisible and silent about his successes. He believed his boss should just know about his achievements without him having to spell them out. His modesty kept him well below the radar, avoiding any unwanted recognition or responsibility.

Lastly, Jack-ass was as inflexible as a concrete slab. He refused to adapt to new roles or learn new skills. Change was overrated in his book. While everyone else scrambled to keep up with the latest trends and advancements, Jack-ass proudly maintained his status quo, believing he had already reached his peak.

So, there you have it – the story of Jack-ass, the replaceable, disconnected, idle, gossip-spreading, secretive, invisible, and inflexible employee. Follow Jack-ass’s example, and you, too, can be the first in line for the layoff lottery. Good luck – not that you’ll need it with such a solid strategy!