I opened up GitHub the other day to find I had a new badge called Artic Code Vault Contributor. Excuse me? Wat? Some of you might be thinking, “of course! The Artic Code Vault”. But I had no fucking clue what that meant in the slightest. So I did what most people do when they’re trying to shake the dumb from their brain. I Googled, “What is the Artic Code Vault?”. And this is what I saw.

Wow. My code is literally chilling inside an island called Svalbard, housed deep in an old mine to be preserved for the future of humanity. If that doesn’t sound like some wild James Bond shit, I don’t know what does, but it doesn’t matter MY CODE IS IN A FREAKING ARTIC CODE VAULT IN THE ARTIC IN A VAULT THAT”S SUPER COLD HOW COOL IS THAT?

Below freezing. I couldn’t find any specific information about the Arctic Code Vault’s temperature, but it’s probably safe to say it’s below freezing. And that’s pretty fucking cool. So what code is stored in the Artic Code Vault? The Reddit Karma Farming Bot, The Continuous Meme Delivery Project, and my generic script storage repo. None of that was worth preserving for future generations of humans. Unless future generations will need to spam Reddit with puppy pictures for fake internet points. Okay, maybe at least that one was worth saving. KARMA.

What an amazing feat of human achievement, and I’m super happy to be part of this plan put forth because we’re probably going to fuck this planet up so bad it’s gonna cause a fun evolutionary reset. Hopefully, chicken people get a shot at dominating the world next. Working on open-source software with some odd wing-friendly keyboards, and the Artic Code Vault will definitely give them a head start.

We can all agree that this is a monumental feat of human achievement of preserving technological advancements and culture. Just like the Svalbard Global Seed Vault which is not far from the GitHub Arctic Code Vault. All of these endeavors are 5 stars, right? Uhhhh then why does the Svalbard Global Seed Vault have a 4.6 rating on Google Maps? HOW IS THIS NOT 6 STARS??? You can look at it right on the map embedded below.

WHO COULD POSSIBLY THINK THIS IS NOT AMAZING?

You know what? Fuck it. Do the elites have a Patreon I can support to speed this all up?