In software development, a "One on One (1:1)" is a common meeting to have with your manager on a regular basis. A good 1:1 is the key to a productive and collaborative relationship with your manager — your closest partner in your professional success at work.

Over the years, after making mistakes for a while, finally reflecting and then adapting, I learned a few things. I'd like to share three good practices for getting the most value out of this important meeting.

In this first post will teach you a trick to getting the most clear and actionable plan for any feedback you receive in a 1:1. In a few followup articles, I’ll cover a few other techniques to increase the communication power of these meetings, and to get you promoted faster!

1:1 Fundamentals

First, let's talk fundamentals. Much has already been said about 1:1's on the internet. There is a well-established set of principles that make 1:1's function at the most basic level. You can Google "good 1:1's" to learn a lot more about these, and you should absolutely make sure you and your manager are following them.

1. This isn't a project status meeting.
   If you are catching your manager up with what is happening on your project work or tasks, you aren't having 1:1's and you should book those separately.

2. This is your meeting.
   You should be setting the agenda, either in advance or at the start of the meeting. The 1:1 is regular time set aside for you to bring up and collaborate on issues that are on your mind. That doesn’t mean you should dominate this meeting, but you should be doing most of the speaking. Leave room for discussion. Give your manager room to include topics they have as well.

3. Pick the best time for it.
   Schedule your 1:1 for when you have the right energy to engage with personal, challenging topics. You will be hearing feedback. You will need to be honest and vulnerable. You will want to have energy to dig in and explore topics. Does that work better for you in the morning, or in the afternoon? Is that at the end of a sprint in or in the "creamy centre" where you've got some time away from agile ceremonies to think about things? Figure this out for yourself and find a time with your manager that means you can fully engage with them.

4. Keep notes in your 1:1.
   A document shared with your manager is an excellent tool for this. Track the major discussions, your manager’s advice and any action items discussed. This document becomes useful as a record of conversations, as a list of action items, as a list of growth and accomplishments. It's also a useful history and context when you transition to a new manager.

Technique #1 - "Ask three questions" on their feedback

We say that a 1:1 is "your meeting" but the reality is also that your manager will also use this time to bring feedback and requests to you. When that happens, I've learned to "ask three questions." Now, I end up with a clear understanding of their feedback and a concrete set of steps or behaviours that they agree will help.

I used to eagerly listen to my manager's feedback and requests in our 1:1's. But then I would end up doing the wrong things or misinterpreting what or why the wanted me to make changes.

Even at our best in a 1:1, are brains can be a jumble of thoughts and feelings and words. The conversation can easily get the better of arriving at a good understanding. 1:1's are a mildly stressful situation of talking about direct feedback with our boss. We might want to please them. Or make it sound like we absolutely understand and that we are committed to supporting their goals, feedback or requests.

Over the years, and several misunderstandings later, I came to realize that I was being too agreeable. I wasn't making sure I "understood the assignment." The key to not wasting your time: You need to understand what they are asking for. And you need to make sure you discuss and agree on the actions and behaviours that could address it.

Start with acknowledgement

The "ask three questions" technique gives you a formula or routine to apply. You show your cooperation. You slow the discussion down so you can think and understand what they are saying. And you agree on some tangible actions.

But first, make sure you acknowledge what they are saying and paraphrase back to them their feedback or request!

For example, if they said "you need to help the junior developers more," you might say something like:

"I hear that you want me to make more time for our junior developers. This sounds important. I think I understand what you are asking for, but let me ask you a few more questions so I make sure I completely understand what you are looking for."

At this point, you already have achieved your first aim. By saying this, you demonstrating that you were listening. You stated that you want to cooperate, and that you're open to trying some things to address the feedback. You'll probably see it on their face. They should look eager, and not challenged or like they feel they need to repeat themselves.

Then ask three questions

The next thing you are going to do is to try to ask up to three clarifying questions. This might seem like a lot of questions! With practice, they will flow from from early exploration into more specific agreements on actions. Some good templates for questions are included below. You will find that as you get more comfortable exploring the situation, these kind of questions start naturally occurring to you.

Ask for more detail:
“Can you describe a bit more specifically what you are thinking I could do?”

Explore a detail:
“When you say I should make more time, can you elaborate on that?“

Find an example:

"Is there a recent example of a situation where this did/didn't happen, and can we go into a bit more detail there?" (Then ask more questions!)

Explore "Why":
"Can you tell me more about why this is important to you?"

Explore some comparisons:
"Would that be like holding office hours or more like doing more pairing sessions with them?"

Set the priority:
"Would that be more or less important than new TPS report format I’m working on? If I am trying to do both, where do they fit in priority?"

Propose some actions:
"What about this? What if I spent a half-hour in the morning going through any questions they had from the day before?"

Now a plan is coming together

The specifics you are getting with these questions will remind you of the conversation later. They will help guide your actions as you carry out this feedback. But the real key is that you should end with some agreement on the situation, the motivating factors behind it, and some approved next actions.

(As you work through these questions, remember to take some notes. This gets easier with practice. Are they taking notes? Probably! Get them to share, or both add them to the shared document!)

Three questions for better 1:1's

So, remember — when you get feedback, slow the conversation down. Paraphrase back the feedback to acknowledge what you heard. Then ask three questions, from explorative to collaborating on actions. Not only is that 1:1 not going to be a waste of time, you just got your manager to help you make a plan that you can immediately start working on!

In future posts, I’ll go into more detail on a few of the other techniques I use to make 1:1’s not be a waste of time. I use “The Weather Report” to provide useful context to my manager and help frame my thoughts. And I use a potentially controversial “ABAFAR Technique” to turn my 1:1's into a tool for faster raises and promotions!

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