Networking is a daunting piece of advice that’s constantly flung around. It's especially prevalent in the tech field, where networking seems to be the only way to find that one job you want. The problem with networking is that, for most people, it’s this monster of social anxieties, confusion, and self-doubt. And everyone believes they’re the only ones suffering while the rest go confident in their networking. The truth is, we can all feel good about networking. We simply need a change of perspective.

But why bother? Shouldn’t you be evaluated by the quality of your code and your code alone? Yes. But only after a recruiter’s bothered to look at it. Putting a face to a name on a resume helps a recruiter see you and not a sheet of paper. And that’s if you meet recruiters at all; recruiters make up a sliver of the people you’ll be meeting.

People like people. (Ergo, recruiters like people, too.) Resumes are not people. There is no personal connection to make there. Networking lets others get to know and connect with you, the person, and not just the very valid qualifications listed on your resume. And when people like people, they want to help people.

That’s how networking can set you up for opportunities. Connections can introduce you to a job opportunity, a mentor or mentee, insider knowledge, tips and advice, or friends.

I always thought of networking as this weird schmooze-fest for businessmen who were all trying to win favors from those with favors to give. Networking events were full of people who were exceptional in their field and confident in their abilities. I believed it because no one had ever told me any to the contrary. It's years after graduating that I recognize the opportunities for networking I had while attending. I also realize that not once was networking named for what it was, let alone how to go about taking advantage of it.

I finally lifted the veil on networking when I attended the Women In Tech conference in Seattle. The conference focused heavily on the importance of networking and by the end of the week, I was a true convert. Networking is all about connecting with people. That’s it. It’s not about schmoozing, it’s not about big events, it’s not even about finding a job. It’s about finding relationships. And that’s when you start dating.

Whatever you think about networking, the reality is a lot more forgiving. But, like dating, with the wrong mentality and approach, it could be pretty awful. So let’s change that.

Don't expect to find your soulmate - your dream job. It’s more likely you’ll meet someone you like enough to want to be friends with and nothing more. And that’s great! You just made a friend. Go you!

You don’t attend events to find a job, though that can, and frequently does happen. It’s nice to know that the worst you can do when you attend and engage in events is to make a friend. Because that’s the whole point. You got there to meet people and make your friends group grow. Because:

Your friends are likely to be the ones to introduce you to your biggest relationships. Meeting people at events will grow your personal network of connections. Then by maintaining those connections, you can grow your network even larger through the connections you already have. And it’s through one of those connections that someone is going to know about an opportunity with you in mind. On the flip side:

Relationships go both ways. The bigger your personal network, the more opportunities you’ll have to share with others. And it’ll be something that you’ll do pretty naturally because, guess what, you are people. And we know that people like people and when that happens, people want to help people. Plus, there’s nothing good about a relationship that’s only about one person. Don’t be that person.

Don’t force a relationship. Don't try to get to know someone because they have something you want, or think it would be a good connection to have. They’ll likely realize you’re not being genuine even if you tried. Chat around and find someone you like, someone you click with. And if you click, then see if you two have anything in common, any similar interests. Is this someone you can keep up a conversation with? Someone with shared experiences? Congrats! You’re on your way to making a new connection. Don’t forget to exchange information and keep the conversation going after the event.

If someone doesn’t like you back, don’t take it personally. There will be times when someone doesn’t reciprocate your interest. Could be you’re not what they’re looking for right now. Or maybe it was bad timing and they aren't ready for anything serious. Otherwise, maybe they can’t see a good thing when it’s smack in their face and they missed their chance with you (I mean, forget them anyways, amirite?).

Things will be a little awkward. It’s inherent to networking events. Everyone understands this at some point. So don’t worry about being awkward. Everyone’s in the same boat as you. The people you see who look super confident are actually the people embracing the possibility for awkwardness.

Now go forth: attend networking events, be yourself, don’t force a laugh at someone’s lame joke. Have fun and make friends. Because, sooner or later, you will help your people and your people will help you.